I’ve realized over the last few weeks and months that no one teaches us how to grieve. What to do. No one teaches us how to support those who are grieving—what to do, say, or offer. I’ve been on both sides supporting, and being supported, and it is clear we are all mostly awkward AF.
It’s the things people say to help that make it evident. People say a lot of things. We stumble over platitudes and religious quips and hallmark nonsense.
A few phrases I hate
How can we help?
You can’t. Our son died.
How are you?
Terrible. Our son died.
What can I do?
I don’t know. Our son died. But start by not giving me the job of giving you a job.
There are no words.
There are. Like, “our son died” or “FUCKKKK“. Many of the others are curses as well.
We lost our grandmother/dog/great aunt just last year.
Our son died. Your grandmother dying at 82 and losing my 4.5-year-old son are not the same. (Hat tip to Rob Delaney)
The truth is, there’s no way to know what I need. I don’t know what I’ll need in an hour, let alone next week or next month. There are moments when I can experience joy, and often, they are followed by an urge to feel grief. To feel sad. To cry. To feel my son.
But what I do know is simple
I don’t want to forget my son.
I want to keep his memory close to me every moment of every day.
So ask about him.
Ask what made him so fucking special.
Ask about his death. His disease. What he did that drove us crazy.
Ask about his superpowers. What he loved.
Remind us of a memory that you share with him.
Say his name out loud. Shea. Shea Thomas. Shea Bae. It might crush me a bit in the moment—or you.
But not nearly as much as the prospect that I’ll forget him.
Even though your instincts will tell you to stay a mile away.
Grieving with someone means being willing to dive into the suck for a minute.
See you there.
Shea Thomas Callanan, our boy, passed away on October 12th unexpectedly. His epilepsy did not define his life, nor will it define his memory. If you feel inclined, please support Shea’s Play Fund which will be used to make play more accessible wherever it is needed most.
Neil, just saw this today and I am so sorry for you, your family and your son. Over the years, we have had a number of friends who have lost a child – either to illness, accident and, sometimes, suicide. It is always a tragedy but we have tried to give strength to these families through act of love and kindness – to help them to through the grief and to remained focused on the love that will always be there. Shea looks like an awesome kid and I am sure he was.
I will check out the fund and I can tell you that other friends of mine have created very meaningful charities which greatly helps them and the people they serve. Specifically, The Adam Lockard fund (my nephew) at Adaptive Sports in Colorado and the Joey Pizzano Memorial Fund in Alexandria (children with disabilities). Both of these have been very active and successful – both in providing support to the patrons and to the families involved for many years
I sit on the board of a small charity foundation so feel free to provide me additional information on Shea’s Play Fund. We usually donate 100k plus per year (2 – 10k increments) to a number of small organizations where we can make a difference.
Thinking of you. Chuck
Neil, just saw this today and I am so sorry for you, your family and your son. Over the years, we have had a number of friends who have lost a child – either to illness, accident and, sometimes, suicide. It is always a tragedy but we have tried to give strength to these families through act of love and kindness – to help them to through the grief and to remained focused on the love that will always be there. Shea looks like an awesome kid and I am sure he was.
I will check out the fund and I can tell you that other friends of mine have created very meaningful charities which greatly helps them and the people they serve. Specifically, The Adam Lockard fund (my nephew) at Adaptive Sports in Colorado and the Joey Pizzano Memorial Fund in Alexandria (children with disabilities). Both of these have been very active and successful – both in providing support to the patrons and to the families involved for many years
I sit on the board of a small charity foundation so feel free to provide me additional information on Shea’s Play Fund. We usually donate 100k plus per year (2 – 10k increments) to a number of small organizations where we can make a difference.
Thinking of you.
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