Shea Thomas, 

We celebrate you today. Your friends are here. Your family. Your “Framily”. Your crowd. Your school. A firetruck came. Yep, it’s red. Georgie is here. People from all over your life.  We’ve got so many pictures and videos and memories- all of you being cute and mischievous. You would be so happy and excited. Ignoring all that was happening with all these sad adults. So I know you probably aren’t paying attention to me blubbering through it. I think there is a fire truck out there after all.  

My boy, my dear dear boy.. I’m not overstating when I say this has been the worst week ever. The valley of valleys. My god, it is so so hard. So fucking hard. I just swore, in a church.

I don’t really know how to be without you. I don’t know who I am if I’m not your daddy. It was the thing that I felt most me doing. You were my boy. And I was your dad. And we were made for each other. We looked the same. Acted the same. Compensated for our size the same. Ate the same. Laughed the same. Joked the same. 

And right now, I don’t know how to go on without you. I know I need to. I know you’d tell me to take care of Lida and Mommy and George and Mema and Grandpa, and Pop pop. But buddy, I am so scared. 

Scared I’ll forget. Scared you forgot me already. Scared I’m not your dad anymore. Scared I’m not me anymore. Scared. 

I’m so sorry.

We are so sorry we couldn’t protect you. 

People tell me not to be hard on myself.  So I try to laugh to myself when I can’t stop crying. When I asked you to calm down if you got overwhelmed about something small and couldn’t stop crying. You used to say “its not working daddy, I don’t know how to stop” 

I never knew what you meant until now.

—–

But boy, Shea monster – did we have fun. More fun that most dads and sons have in a lifetime. I’ll cherish every moment. Always. 

Hearing you scream “faster daddy” on the big bike.

Hearing you scream “faster daddy” on the boat.

Hearing you scream RAWR! When scaring my friends at the gym. 

Hearing you scream “woo hoo” as you circled the school parking lot.

Hearing you scream “MONSTER TRUCKSSS” at the show.

Hearing you say “well the thing is…..” before launching into your dialogue

Hearing you say “actually” before correcting me 

Hearing you end your response to my demands …. “Ok, Mr doodlebutt”

Watching you pester your sister. But knowing you wanted nothing more than her love and attention.

Watching the way you looked at your mom. 

The way you made her laugh. 

The way she looked when she was taking care of you.

The way you looked to her for reassurance.

The way you waved to me at school drop off. 

The way you beamed when I picked you up from class. “DAAADDDY”

The way you danced. 

The way you thought you knew karate despite definitely not knowing karate.

The way you rode a bike. 

The way you ate strawberries. 

The way you said proudly said “SHEA THOMAS CALLANAN” when you were 2 years old

The way you loved your grandparents.  

They way they made you beam. 

They way you made them beam too.

How proud of yourself you could be. 

The way you punched me in the butt.

The way you made everyone smile. 

The way you made me smile.

Watching you interact with the world was the joy of my life. Truly. Seeing you be brave and shy and scared and wild. It was everything. 

I am so glad we got to love you.

I’ll never stop. We’ll never stop. None of us will ever stop.

When we think of you, we’ll be sad. Oh so sad. But we’ll smile too. All of us. Thinking of you.  Never forgetting how unforgettable you are.

Thanks for showing us how to live.

Shea Thomas Callanan

Shea Thomas Callanan, our boy, passed away on October 12th unexpectedly. His epilepsy did not define his life, nor will it define his memory. If you feel inclined, please support Shea’s Play Fund which will be used to make play more accessible wherever it is needed most.

NeilCallanan Truths

19 Replies

  1. -Neil
    I am extremely saddened to hear of this tragic loss and everything you and family must be going through. We similarly lost our lovely daughter Riley Watkins to cancer in June ’23 and she continues and always will be a big part of our lives. I grieve with you and ask that you continue to put one foot in front of the other and take care of your family. You are in my thoughts.
    Regards, David Watkins

  2. Thank you for sharing. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. You are strong and your words will make other dads appreciate what they have. My deepest condolences. I know you will keep Shea with you forever and he will give you the strength that you need.

  3. You have such a beautiful way with words, but these are words no father should ever have to write. Our hearts continue to break for you, and we will remember beautiful Shea for the rest of our lives ❤️
    -The Kaags

  4. Although I do not know your family personally, your words acted as an introduction. I do not know your pain but feel your loss and love through your writing. I found the tears spilling from my eyes as I read. May God keep you all close and your beautiful son’s memory alive in you, always.

  5. I don’t know you or did I have the pleasure of meeting your family. I read this and you and you have made such an impact on me and the way I will go forward as a mother. Your son’s reach is far and wide. I thank you so so much for sharing such an agonizing journey. My heart and prayers are with you and your family. And again, thank you for being so vulnerable.

  6. Beautiful and heartbreaking tribute to your beautiful boy. Sending love, thoughts and heavy hearts to you and your family.

  7. You truly have a way with words, Neil, though I am deeply sorry for your needing to write them. In time, I truly hope the smiles will outweigh the sadness you all must be feeling right now. Shea seems like he was an incredible little guy. Sending you and your family live, hugs, strength, and my deepest sympathies.

  8. I am so, so sorry Neil. I can relate to your words, but I cannot fathom what you are experiencing. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts.

  9. What a beautiful tribute to the joy that Shea brought to you and everyone around him. His light will shine within you forever, thank you for sharing it with us through these beautiful words. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I am so so sorry for your loss Neil.

  10. Oh Neil. Such a deep love for your special boy. I am so, so sorry for the loss you, Laura, Lida, Shea’s grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and your “Framily” have suffered. My words are so inadequate…yours say so much more. Sending my love.
    LaM

  11. Neil
    The ache in my heart I feel for you and Laura, and Lida is profound. I’m so sorry I never got to meet you beautiful boy. Your words will resonate for a long time to come. But beyond that your memories will carry you into the future, Shea will always be with you. My prayer for you is that time will heal the immense pain you’re living in now, and your memories of Shea will bring only joy. Sending so much love and healing thoughts to you three.
    Love, Katie

  12. Neil I’m so terribly sorry for you and your family. Your son sounds like an amazing kid. I’m sure there’s very little comfort right now – but whatever that is for you I hope you find it.

  13. Neil-Thank you for sharing your loving memories of your beautiful little boy. May these memories help bring a smile to you.
    Sending you and all of your family my prayers and deepest condolences as you go through this unimaginable time together. ❤️ Margaret

  14. I’m so so sorry for your loss! You have made me look at being a mother so differently. Know that Shea is always with all of you!

  15. My god, Neil, my heart breaks for you and your whole family. You’ve now be thrust into a fucked up club no one wants to be a part of, and from what I’ve heard, no one else can understand who’s not in the club. Sending you a loving reminder that Shea’s spirit and energy will surround you for your whole life. I am grieving a loss and can relate to the fear of forgetting. But I’m sure you never will. May your grief continue to guide you back to life…

  16. Neil, I am so sorry for your loss. There’s not much to say other than my heart breaks for you and your family. I hope the good memories you have with Shea will help get you through the toughest moments, and that your grief will slowly begin to ease.

  17. Please know you and your family are in our thoughts. Sending you strength in the most difficult of difficult times. Thank you for sharing this love with the world.

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